Mar 24, 2013
"The Marine" is one of the best bad movies I've ever seen. Literally everything about it is awful, from the wooden acting to the nonexistent character development to the cheesy music cues to the shoddy dialogue to even the stupendously cheap-looking visual effects, and for being a thriller, there's just an astonishing lack of suspense. But, at the same time, I loved every mediocre minute of it. In a film of terrible performances, the best (worst) one comes from the poor man's Ving Rhames, Anthony Ray Parker, who thinks that he is doing such a great job. As well, John Cena and Kelly Carlson are literal pieces of cardboard and show not a single ounce of compassion towards one another and Robert Patrick is embarrassingly sure of himself. "The Marine" is laughable in terms of just how moronic and incompetently executed it is, but its blatant cheesiness is what makes it so hilarious. In fact, it almost seems intentionally dumb.
The Marine is a film, strangely, not so much about a United States marine, but about a diamond thief and his cronies, and the crazy hijinks they get up to. Pursuing them is an ex-marine, John Triton, an action hero lifted straight from a Steven Seagal film and thrown head-first into this one. Though Cena has a better physique for beating up criminals, is young enough to perform his scenes without a stand-in, is audible in his line delivery, and is believable in his role; he just doesn't have any of the Seagal charm. Cena is lifeless and unbackable - which is a shame - because the film itself (for the most part) is a lot of good-natured Transporter-style theatrics and 1980s worship. The film can be hella goofy; there are several moments where the dialogue is a little questionable, and there are a few instances of awkward self-awareness - but it can all be put aside considering the entertainment value. If you go into this with the right mindset, it is unlikely you will be disappointed. Lots of things explode (including Cena himself, more than once), and it is often a riot when they do. While this is all fine and dandy, there needs to be even more action. In about the middle of the film there is a noticeable slump; like holding a long piece of rope at both ends at a short distance. The action sequences need not be written or directed any better, they just need to be more frequent. Watching Cena be driven through explosive barrels, wooden huts and plated steel sheds is absolutely hysterical - especially when he comes out of it feeling perfectly fine, but the sad truth is that he doesn't do a whole lot of hurting others; in fact, the only death I can remember being directly from his actions is the final boss' (played by the T-1000, Robert Patrick). Stick The Marine on if you ever feel the need to wallow in action movie nostalgia, or if you have a penchant for things that are so bad they're good.